Is Optimism Bad?

It’s not like I’m expecting bad things to happen but I don’t necessarily expect good things to happen either. I’m prepared for if bad things do happen and I’m sure I could figure my way out of it but I find I don’t spend much time thinking about if good things happen. I prepare for the worst but don’t think about the best. To me it’s kind of like counting your chickens before they hatch. Plus being a bit pessimistic protects my mental health in a way, if I expect not to get the job then I’m not that hurt when I don’t get it. But then I wonder if it makes me work less hard since I set such low expectations for myself. But then I’m like no, I’m still striving for the best case scenario, I’m just not expecting it. Not sure if there’s a real difference, I guess we’ll see how that mentality plays out.

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Feeling Lonely

Sometimes I’m in this mood where I want to be alone but at the same time I feel lonely. I don’t want to talk to anyone but I also don’t want to be by myself. It’s kind of a weird state to be in, I attribute it to my being an introvert but not having enough socialization at the same time. My solution so far has been to go to a coffee shop and work there for a while. That way I’m still surrounded by humanity, it’s a new environment, and I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. It’s great to have a change of scenery too so sometimes I pick a coffee shop I haven’t been to.

Sometimes I’ll wear headphones if I don’t want to hear people but I just want to know that people are there. Weird I know but it makes me feel a lot less lonely when there are just people around. Anyone have this feeling? How do you deal with it?

On Lashing Out

We all have our bad days and our good days and unfortunately my boyfriend and I have been having more bad days than good days recently and it’s started to affect how we interact with each other. When one of us has a bad day we usually come back when the day is over and rant about it which is fine and healthy but when both of us have bad days then there are two people that need to rant with nobody to listen which means neither of us is able to release our emotions.

This is really bad because we both end up keeping it pent up but it leaks, we become passive aggressive, easily irritable, and we snap at each other and I know a huge fight is just looming over the horizon. Neither of us did anything wrong but we’re just lashing out at each other like wounded animals. I think at this point I’ve become aware that I can’t rely on just one person to make me feel better all the time, that’s just too much pressure. Sure he’ll be there for me some days and I should be grateful that he’s there for me but I can’t force him to always be there when everything goes wrong all the time. I need either other people to rant to or another outlet for my feelings (anger, sadness, disappointment, etc) and no one person should have to feel the brunt of that all the time.

I’ve learned that when we’re both in a bad mood it’s best to be alone for a while and to mull it over in my own head, go exercise, or do something fun to relax first. Then I’ll take time to either talk to someone else or meditate on it until I feel better again. And if at that point he’s still in a bad mood then I try to cheer him up. I’ve realized that I’m more aware of how we’re both feeling than he is. He won’t really recognize that he’s in bad mood unless I see it and ask him “Hey, are you ok? Did something happen? You seem a bit upset.” and we think it’s funny because then he’ll realize that he’s not a bit upset, he’s super upset and he hasn’t even realized it yet. But once he realizes it he calms down and tries to work through why and eventually we’re both good again.

So yeah, lessons learned, help yourself so you can be more helpful to others in the long run. Although I’m sure it would (short term) make him feel better if I was around, it’s better for both of us if I go off on my own for an hour or four.

On Not Knowing What to Do

We’re taught, at least I was, to go to school, get a good degree, and then you’ll find a good job. And it was mostly true, the find a good job is looking to be harder than initially thought but still not terrible. But I always thought there was more to life than just working for someone else for the hope of one day retiring when I can no longer work.

I want to start my own business and work for myself. I want freedom in what I do, when I do it, and what I do it for. But there isn’t really a guideline for that, not like how school always told us what to do and what the next steps were. As a wannabe-entrepreneur you kinda have to figure it out on your own which means a lot of Google, YouTube, and Udemy for me. Even so, I still am not sure what I’m supposed to do. I mean the big things like come up with an idea, validate it, create an MVP, and then sell it are all nice and good but they aren’t really actionable steps.

Like “come up with an idea”, everyone and their mom has a billion ideas so then the problem is to validate it right? But how exactly are you supposed to validate it? Survey people online? Survey people in real life? Where are you even supposed to find such people? I think these “guides” all assume that you’re already well connected and have a network when I don’t. In which case maybe I should work on meeting more people and joining a community rather than work on ideas first. I don’t really know. I kinda wish someone would guide me but I guess if it was easy to figure out then everyone would do it.

Rejected … again

Nothing is a worse feeling and leaves you in a more confused state than when you’re interviewing for a job and everything is going great and the CTO even says to “expect something formal tomorrow” and then you get hit with a generic rejection letter. It’s not just the fact that it was a rejection, it’s that they raised my hopes and then crushed them. I wouldn’t have minded being if the people there hadn’t hinted so much that I was already practically hired. I’ve been rejected by a lot of jobs and I thought I was used to it.

Apparently I was just used to already thinking that I didn’t get the offer so that when the rejections inevitably came in then I wouldn’t be so sad. But that didn’t work here, I let myself believe that I had it in the bag, and that’s why I’m feeling like such a mess right now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not they rejected me and it’s not really even that they hinted at a yes although I’m a bit salty about that. I’m just mad at myself for jumping the gun and not being my usual pessimistic self. I think in a way I use being pessimistic as protection, it’s a sort of rejecting my own abilities so I’m not surprised when other people do it.

It’s probably bad in the long run but I don’t think I’m strong enough to be optimistic just to get trampled on. Luckily I still have three more companies I’m interviewing with so it’s not the end of the world. I would advise that to people, if you’re interviewing, just keep applying even if you think you aced it, that way if you get a rejection you still have interviews coming in and you won’t hate yourself as much.

Jealousy

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, for some reason it’s really addicting to scroll through the newsfeed but on the other hand it kinda makes me dislike my life. I get that everything on there is just everyone’s highlight reel but it just feels like everyone has their life together and is doing amazing things except for me. Logically I know that’s not true, everyone has their ups and downs and they only publicize their best time, but still, it still makes me feel bad.

The same thing goes for WordPress even, I followed a couple of blogs including TechCrunch and almost all of their articles are so-and-so startup just raised $7 million or $20 million or $50 million in whatever seed round. I don’t even want funding for my things, I’m not trying to go that big, but still when I see it instead of feeling happy for other people’s success I just feel frustrated at my lack thereof. Perhaps I’m too selfish and self centered.

It’s even worse when there’s an idea that I had as well, all the features included, but I guess that’s the difference between acting on an idea and just having an idea. So then the solution would be act on the idea right? But it’s harder than that, the secret I think is in the implementation, and picking the right idea. Success comes from the marketing, the design, the words, and how you engage the community. And I’m not good at any of that. I could get better at those things but it would take a really long time, how are other people my age already so put together? How do they already know what to do, how to do it, and what to say?

I wonder if they were raised in an environment where they were encouraged to be creative and entrepreneurial and if that has made all the difference.

It’s kind of embarrassing you know, to tell people about your idea and how you think it would impact people and to have so much hope for it, the few people I’ve told about my ideas usually just say it wouldn’t work or they laugh at me for thinking I could ever do it. But I think their laughter hides the fact that they were like me too at one point, they had hope and they tried so hard and they failed and people laughed at them for trying so now they laugh at me to make themselves feel smarter and better, older and wiser.

But it’s ok, I’ll figure it out.

Lost

Moving to California has been great, the weather’s wonderful and I’ve had great times with my boyfriend but something just seems missing. I don’t want to appear ungrateful because it’s a blessing that I’m here and I really do appreciate everything that I have. But it all just seems so empty sometimes. I’m not one to brag about where I am on social media so few people actually know where I am and I’ve always been shy so I don’t have many friends. I really only have one close friend I talk to almost every day and then my boyfriend if he counts. I guess I just feel lonely out here, everyone older than me is so busy doing the “next big thing” that nobody is really living in the moment. That and everyone my age just wants to go to bars, clubs, or party all night in LA and that’s not really my thing.

I’m really introverted and talking to people for two hours makes me tired the rest of the day. Luckily I did end up picking a profession (software development) that doesn’t require I talk a lot in the day. But even though I enjoy being alone most of the time, if I’m alone all the time I get lonely. I guess it’s not really the being alone part that makes me feel lonely, it’s the feeling like I can’t/won’t open up to people so I feel like I don’t have close friends. It makes it worse when moving to a new place and especially worser(er) when my boyfriend leaves on a trip. Nothing makes you feel more like a loser than not having anyone to talk to.

Normally when I have a problem I try to find a solution so I’ve tried going to meetups but the only ones that interest me are business meetups (been feeling entrepreneurial) and people are really only there to pitch their ideas then ditch. Bumble has a thing called BFF mode where people in the area that are seeking friends can swipe on each other Tinder style, we’ll see how that goes for me.

I think it’s that “not having friends anymore” feeling and the “how do I start a business” feeling that has me feeling so lost. The friends thing I’m sure I’ll get the hang of in a while but the business thing I just don’t know. I’ll make another post on it later but there’s just so much to learn and even if you learn it all it doesn’t mean you’ll succeed.

It’s been a while

It’s been three years since my last post, what can I say, things got in the way and I just recently rediscovered this. Umm so updates, I graduated college with a computer science degree last year woo! Ended up moving across the country to California to be with my boyfriend. Had a job. Lost a job. Looking for a job. All that jazz. Got some interviews coming up so hopefully those turn out well. I’m waiting to hear back from this one company that I really really liked, I’ve been anxiously waiting for the results these last couple of days my stomach is all in a knot.

I don’t know what it is about the west coast but being here makes me feel so entrepreneurial. It seems like everyone and their mother has the next big idea and want to join startups and all that. I definitely think it’s possible but it’ll probably harder than they all think. But I’ve been reading up on entrepreneurialism (that was hard to spell) and watching some online courses but I still feel way out of my league even attempting to start something. And then you hear of other 23 year olds that are managers and leaders and CEO’s already and I’m just me, little old me.

Oh well, I’ll try some stuff out and put myself out there, maybe learn something. But I realized that I don’t want to spend my whole life working and then retire when I’m old. I want to do things I want to do when I want to do them, I guess that’s everyone’s dream. When I was on the east coast I was ok with not having the dream life because it seemed that it was just that, a dream. But being on the west coast … everything just seems so much more possible.

Chill Semester

Hello again world, thought I should come by and update this thing about my life. Let’s see, since we last saw each other, my internship has ended, school has begun, etc. etc. My days consist of going to class, doing homework, and a whole lot of free time. This semester, I’ve had more free time than any of my previous semesters, I’m not quite sure what to do with it all sometimes. My classes are going well, they’re mostly interesting and not super difficult. I actually kind of like discrete math, it surprises me. Maybe it’s just that I sit in the front row and am forced to pay attention which makes me do better and is why I like the class. I find that when I enjoy something, it’s because I can do it and I am often motivated to do something because I know I can do it.

I found a gym buddy! I made a friend in my class freshman year and I haven’t seen him much since but he ended up being in one of my classes this semester. We both have a really chill semester and I managed to convince him to come to the gym with me since I was planning on going after that class anyway. We’re going every Tuesday and Thursday because that’s when we have class together, he was really hesitant about going with me since he had never gone before but now he’s almost more motivated to go than I am. Sometimes you just need a friend to push you to do something new when you don’t have the courage to do it on your own, sometimes you need that push, sometimes you are that push. Point being, we’re both going regularly and it’s great to have a buddy to go with, it really forces me to go on those days because there’s more guilt when I don’t go when someone else is waiting for me. +1 health.

I’ve been applying for jobs both for next summer and during the semester, chance favors the prepared. Career fairs for this semester have come and gone, I went, talked to people, and luckily got some interviews. I still have some to go to and hear back from but hopefully it all works out. I’m looking for a semester job because some extra spending money would be great. I don’t know about being a cashier or working in dining services, the jobs seem so menial and not worth the pay. I was looking into being a tutor/babysitter/petsitter in my free time since they seem more flexible with hours but nobody has responded yet. I don’t know what else to look for so in my free time I’ve just been practicing my coding and learning new things. I’ll probably make another blog solely dedicated to that. I figure since I have all this free time, I might as well spend some of it improving my skills instead of wasting away watching TV and playing games. I do those things a lot too but I sprinkle it with some productivity too. +1 coding.

That’s all for now I guess, I’ll try to keep this updated. To be honest, I completely forgot about it until my boyfriend reminded me, I don’t know how this all slipped my mind but no worries, I’m back now!

From Finals to Future

I’ve realized lately that I’ve started to develop habits that my parents had or wanted me to have. For example, my dad always nagged me to clean up after myself, his favorite thing to say was that “everything has it’s place” and to “put something back where you found it”. At the time, it was incredibly annoying but I’ve started to say that to my roommate and my ever so present boyfriend. I can see the annoyance in their faces when I say it but I just can’t help myself when they leave their trash around and expect me to clean it up. It’s not that they won’t clean, it’s just that they have a higher tolerance for messiness and disorder than I do so I always cave and clean up first. Even in games that the three of us play (Minecraft), I’m the one that organizes the storage and makes sure they put everything in the right place when they would rather toss everything around and just spend more time looking for stuff when they need it. Maybe I’m just obsessive but now I understand how my parents felt. Goodness, I feel like a parent. I’m too young to be a parent. 

On another note, the past month was full of finals, midterms, end of the year gatherings, and stress in general. My fitness routine has gone to the wayside but I think it was worth cutting out gym time to replace with study time, at least for this last month. As soon as I figure out how my summer schedule is going to look like, I’ll fit gym time back in there. For now, I’m just a vegetating couch potato and I’m okay with that for a few days. My internship starts on Monday and I’m excited and nervous and all sorts of scared for it, especially the driving and parking there. Eek, driving.

Good news, my boyfriend accepted an offer to intern for the next 3-7 months. Bad news, it’s all the way in Texas and I’m in Virginia. Long distance relationship, bring it on. I think long distance over the summer will be relatively okay since that’s how we started dating in the first place but if he decides to continue the internship and change it into a co-op for the Fall semester, I might not fare so well. I don’t know how other long distance couples can do it, I have friend who have been in long distance relationships for 2+ years and they seem perfectly fine with it. I guess that’s another thing, people might seem fine on the outside but they might be struggling on the inside.

That applies to things other than relationships, take grades/careers for example. As far as anyone can tell, my boyfriend seems like a super successful guy but he still worries about having a future sometimes. My roommate seems like she has lots of friends, connections, and lives life without a care but we often have long conversations about how dismal her future seems. I can’t say for sure how other people view me but I’m sure they think I’m doing fine when in actuality I honestly worry if I can actually get my degree. Everyone seems fine to everyone else but I think that on the inside, even for seemingly successful people, everyone is struggling to stay afloat. People struggle to maintain the image they have, Facebook is full of achievements, fun places people went, and just people having a good time. Nobody posts about the difficulty they’re having, the bad grade they just got, the rejections, the lack of financial security. Nobody knows and that’s exactly how people want it. I just keep saying that “everything will work out” and just hope that if I work hard, then everything will eventually work out. A girl can dream.