Chill Semester

Hello again world, thought I should come by and update this thing about my life. Let’s see, since we last saw each other, my internship has ended, school has begun, etc. etc. My days consist of going to class, doing homework, and a whole lot of free time. This semester, I’ve had more free time than any of my previous semesters, I’m not quite sure what to do with it all sometimes. My classes are going well, they’re mostly interesting and not super difficult. I actually kind of like discrete math, it surprises me. Maybe it’s just that I sit in the front row and am forced to pay attention which makes me do better and is why I like the class. I find that when I enjoy something, it’s because I can do it and I am often motivated to do something because I know I can do it.

I found a gym buddy! I made a friend in my class freshman year and I haven’t seen him much since but he ended up being in one of my classes this semester. We both have a really chill semester and I managed to convince him to come to the gym with me since I was planning on going after that class anyway. We’re going every Tuesday and Thursday because that’s when we have class together, he was really hesitant about going with me since he had never gone before but now he’s almost more motivated to go than I am. Sometimes you just need a friend to push you to do something new when you don’t have the courage to do it on your own, sometimes you need that push, sometimes you are that push. Point being, we’re both going regularly and it’s great to have a buddy to go with, it really forces me to go on those days because there’s more guilt when I don’t go when someone else is waiting for me. +1 health.

I’ve been applying for jobs both for next summer and during the semester, chance favors the prepared. Career fairs for this semester have come and gone, I went, talked to people, and luckily got some interviews. I still have some to go to and hear back from but hopefully it all works out. I’m looking for a semester job because some extra spending money would be great. I don’t know about being a cashier or working in dining services, the jobs seem so menial and not worth the pay. I was looking into being a tutor/babysitter/petsitter in my free time since they seem more flexible with hours but nobody has responded yet. I don’t know what else to look for so in my free time I’ve just been practicing my coding and learning new things. I’ll probably make another blog solely dedicated to that. I figure since I have all this free time, I might as well spend some of it improving my skills instead of wasting away watching TV and playing games. I do those things a lot too but I sprinkle it with some productivity too. +1 coding.

That’s all for now I guess, I’ll try to keep this updated. To be honest, I completely forgot about it until my boyfriend reminded me, I don’t know how this all slipped my mind but no worries, I’m back now!

From Finals to Future

I’ve realized lately that I’ve started to develop habits that my parents had or wanted me to have. For example, my dad always nagged me to clean up after myself, his favorite thing to say was that “everything has it’s place” and to “put something back where you found it”. At the time, it was incredibly annoying but I’ve started to say that to my roommate and my ever so present boyfriend. I can see the annoyance in their faces when I say it but I just can’t help myself when they leave their trash around and expect me to clean it up. It’s not that they won’t clean, it’s just that they have a higher tolerance for messiness and disorder than I do so I always cave and clean up first. Even in games that the three of us play (Minecraft), I’m the one that organizes the storage and makes sure they put everything in the right place when they would rather toss everything around and just spend more time looking for stuff when they need it. Maybe I’m just obsessive but now I understand how my parents felt. Goodness, I feel like a parent. I’m too young to be a parent. 

On another note, the past month was full of finals, midterms, end of the year gatherings, and stress in general. My fitness routine has gone to the wayside but I think it was worth cutting out gym time to replace with study time, at least for this last month. As soon as I figure out how my summer schedule is going to look like, I’ll fit gym time back in there. For now, I’m just a vegetating couch potato and I’m okay with that for a few days. My internship starts on Monday and I’m excited and nervous and all sorts of scared for it, especially the driving and parking there. Eek, driving.

Good news, my boyfriend accepted an offer to intern for the next 3-7 months. Bad news, it’s all the way in Texas and I’m in Virginia. Long distance relationship, bring it on. I think long distance over the summer will be relatively okay since that’s how we started dating in the first place but if he decides to continue the internship and change it into a co-op for the Fall semester, I might not fare so well. I don’t know how other long distance couples can do it, I have friend who have been in long distance relationships for 2+ years and they seem perfectly fine with it. I guess that’s another thing, people might seem fine on the outside but they might be struggling on the inside.

That applies to things other than relationships, take grades/careers for example. As far as anyone can tell, my boyfriend seems like a super successful guy but he still worries about having a future sometimes. My roommate seems like she has lots of friends, connections, and lives life without a care but we often have long conversations about how dismal her future seems. I can’t say for sure how other people view me but I’m sure they think I’m doing fine when in actuality I honestly worry if I can actually get my degree. Everyone seems fine to everyone else but I think that on the inside, even for seemingly successful people, everyone is struggling to stay afloat. People struggle to maintain the image they have, Facebook is full of achievements, fun places people went, and just people having a good time. Nobody posts about the difficulty they’re having, the bad grade they just got, the rejections, the lack of financial security. Nobody knows and that’s exactly how people want it. I just keep saying that “everything will work out” and just hope that if I work hard, then everything will eventually work out. A girl can dream. 

Sleep, Grades, Social life. Choose two.

Last night, I ran for treasurer and newsletter for AASU, final results haven’t come out yet but hopefully all ends well. I’ve realized (I’ve always known) that my public speaking skills are pitiful, I suppose I should take a class for that. I’ve also decided to switch majors to computer science from industrial systems engineering, so many life changes. I remember hearing someone say something along the lines of “Sleep, Grades, Social life, choose two” and in a way, I think it is quite true. I’ve heard of the rare individual who can do all three and do them all well, I have no idea how they do it, probably intense time management and no procrastination. Health/fitness should also be in there. I’ve been trying to keep up with everything and I think I’m spreading myself out a bit too thin but I’m also too stubborn to give anything up because I think I can do it all (minus some sleep here and there).

It really makes you think about your priorities when there is a lot on your place. For example, if it’s exam week then I’ll take a small break from my social life but if there are a lot of big events going on then I might not spend as much effort on that homework assignment and just try to get it done as fast as possible. However, when there are big events like elections during exam week then bye bye sleep. Most of them time, as long as I have enough sleep and a decent amount of time, I’ll go to the gym. The reason I don’t go to the gym when I’m sleep deprived is that when I’m packing for the gym the night before, I’ll usually forget something and even if I remember to bring everything, I tend to fall on the treadmills when I’m sleepy. You know those cars that go side to side and you can tell the driver is about to fall asleep? Imagine that but on a treadmill, it’s made for some embarrassing falls.

It’s also hard to eat clean when I’m stressed and all I want is a giant milkshake and fries. It’s also hard to find time to cook things and pack them for lunch so I usually end up eating unhealthy school food or not eating at all. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches also get old fast. It’s times like these that I miss home cooking, although my mom was never really a fan of making healthy food and small portions. I’m afraid to step on the scale again. I’ve actually started counting calories just out of curiosity, I find I’m eating around 1300 calories a day, I have no idea if that’s an okay amount.

On another note, my boyfriend got an internship and co-op for the summer and the Fall semester which is great because who doesn’t want that but it also sucks because that means we’ll be 1300 miles away from each other for seven whole months. Sigh. Oh well, it’ll all work out eventually. I have a test in an hour and I’m writing a blog post, -10 priorities.

Work hard, play hard

There’s something about being busy that’s satisfying because it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something which can be misleading sometimes but I think that everything I’m doing is worth the stress. Sure, I have to run around everywhere and my schedule is changing every second but I somehow manage to get everything or at least most things done. Take right now for example, as I’m writing this, I’m on the bus going from campus back home to change my shoes because I forgot that today is Thursday which means I need special shoes to have access to my lab class that starts in an hour. I wonder if I’m prioritizing my extracurricular activities too much but I feel a lot of pressure to do well in them. Not pressure from other people, pressure from myself, I want to do everything and I want to do it all well. Stress +10

I would say it’s taken a bit of a toll on my academic life as I have less time to study but at the same time it’s made me more efficient because now I have to do the same amount of work in less time. It’s made me more grateful of the time I have to spend with people that are important to me and I make sure not to be doing something else when I am with those people. I don’t want my busyness to interfere with my relationships too much.

I have to cut back on some things though, like sleep. Surprisingly, I feel sleepier on 7 hours of sleep than I do on 6, I wonder how much sleep I need. I also have to cut back on some gym time, I still try to go everyday if I can but if I’ve been busy all day and I get back home at 9pm, I would rather spend time relaxing with my boyfriend than stinking up my apartment with my sweat. He said one thing to me which I don’t know is true or not, I don’t know where I can find the answer though, I guess it’s partially opinion. He said that people have to go to the gym every single day, otherwise, it’s not worth it and it’s better to just do nothing at all. I don’t think I agree with that but hey, to each his own, I’m still going to go to the gym even if it’s every other day and not every single day. Fitness -5

It’ll all be worth it in the end right?

Dealing with being overwhelmed

I don’t know what’s been up with me lately but I feel like I’m in a slump. I lose my patience quicker, I can’t focus when I study, and I just feel extremely overwhelmed but I don’t care about anything at the same time. It’s hard to explain. As a result, I haven’t done very well on my latest exams which have bummed me out further, I feel like I don’t have time for anything anymore and no matter how hard I try, nothing is coming together. I feel like I’ve lost control of my academic life, I started out strong but now I’m tripping and falling and I can’t get caught up.

After analyzing myself, I realize that it isn’t necessarily that the material is getting harder, it’s because I haven’t put in as much effort in working smart. I’ve been working hard sure, but I haven’t been working smart, and yes, there’s a difference. I realized this just a few moments ago while I was trying to figure out a statics problem that no matter what I tried, I just couldn’t do it and it was making more and more frustrated and depressed. I needed a plan, I needed to stop complaining to myself, I needed to stop whining and figure out something to do that would help me. Then it hit me, I should probably ask someone for help. I should probably ask people for help in all the classes I’m having trouble with or at least keep up with the reading.

Honestly, I haven’t been keeping up with homework/reading, I always feel like I don’t have time for it but if it’s important to me then I should be able to make time. I do have a plan now and I feel much better. It’s surprising how much you can figure out when you take a step back from everything, take an honest assessment, and then make a plan that will hopefully fix everything (or a lot of things). I feel a lot better now than I did half an hour ago, I’m probably going to miss the deadline for my assignment that’s due in an hour but I almost think it’s worth it for the peace that I’ve gained. It’s okay, I can do this, I’m okay. Determination +10

Success!

Success! After all the career fairs, applications, and interviews, I have finally gotten an offer for a full time summer internship. I feel as if a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders but at the same time I also feel like I’ve put that weight on my peers that have not yet obtained their own internship. It seems as if the more people that have internships, the worse the people who don’t have them feel. I think it has to do with the competitive nature that some people have or maybe just that need to fit in. I want to share my happiness with others but I don’t know if I can. I feel like the only people that are happy for my without being bitter would be people that aren’t competing for the same job that I am, pretty much just my family. Everyone else I know is basically my age and also looking for internships, some of my friends are even going after the same exact ones. I know they would be happy for me but I know that they would also be a little bitter and jealous because that’s just human nature, I’m the same way.

It makes me wonder why I was chosen among the many people that applied for the same position I did. I know the company I’m interning for has been doing interviews for the last two weeks and continuing to do so this week but they’ve already offered me a position. Honestly, I’m not sure what they saw in me because even now, I dont’ know if I’m ready for it. That’s part of growing isn’t it? Feeling not ready for something but trying it out and doing it anyway? At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I’m always afraid to try new things and to push myself out of my comfort zone, I don’t know if I can do something and I’m often hesitant to try but I make myself do it anyway because as far as I can tell, it’s a good thing to do. Besides, usually after a while, I become comfortable doing it and I can do more uncomfortable stuff. I think it’s good to push my limits.

The weird thing is, I don’t think I’m qualified for the internship. Well, not exactly, I think I could be qualified but I think that there are people that are more qualified than I am and I wonder why nobody wants to hire them. As a software engineer intern, I only have a year’s worth of programming, I had absolutely no programming knowledge up until a year ago and yet I have an internship in this field. Some of my peers have been coding since high school or beyond and have accomplished a lot more than me and yet nobody wants to hire them. It confuses me a lot and makes me wonder about the hiring process, who exactly had the most power in hiring me? HR? The senior engineer? I wasn’t even given a technical interview, I don’t think they know my level of competence. It makes me wonder if they only wanted me to fill their “Females in Engineering” quota, maybe they get more government bonuses if they hire female engineering interns or something. Or maybe I’m just getting down on myself. Anyway, I’m going to try the hardest I can, I’m not letting this opportunity go to waste, I’m going to try and impress everyone.

Weight Gain

For a while, my scale had run out of batteries and I never felt like weighing myself at the public gym scale so for a time, I didn’t know how much I weighed. I thought I was doing the same things but maybe I wasn’t, maybe since I couldn’t see the number I became less diligent in watching myself. I also recently started taking some medication whose side effects include “weight gain, weight loss, increase in appetite, decrease in appetite” and more. I’m not sure if they say that to cover all their bases or because each of those things might happen at certain times. Anyway, I don’t know if my weight gain has to do with that, muscle gains, or just me getting fat, regardless, I find it shameful. I don’t think people can tell that I weigh a little more, my boyfriend said I look great and not to worry about it which made me wonder what the number on the scale really means.

I think people focus and stress a lot about that little number on the scale, whether it’s because they want to gain weight or lose weight and I was/am one of them. I don’t think I could truthfully say I don’t care about how much I weigh but I can say that it doesn’t matter as much as it used to, I think as long as I feel healthy and I can walk around comfortably and confidently in my own skin then that should be good enough. Health and fitness shouldn’t be about obsessing over a number if it makes you mentally unhealthy in the process because yes, trying to reach your goals is important but not at the cost of your mental health.

When I finally weighed myself again and saw that I had gained so much weight, my first thought was “How long can I go without eating? I need to purge myself” which is a very unhealthy thought. It’s what my mom has been afraid of and why she always makes sure that I have enough food to eat when I go home for breaks. I don’t know when I switched from a “I want to be healthy and fit” mentality to a “I need to be thinner” mentality.  Luckily, I never acted on that thought, my boyfriend convinced me that I looked amazing in my moment of weakness but I wonder about all the girls that don’t have that kind of support in their lives.

I took a moment to look myself over in the mirror and tried to judge as objectively as possible. I concluded that I’m not fat, I’m not thin but I’m not fat. I have “curves” but I sort of droop a little more than I want to in some places. I have a pretty face, even with the minor blemishes and the lack of eyebrows. I should probably wax that little mustache again. Overall, I think I’m pretty, I think I could be made prettier with makeup but I still like myself naturally. I’m happy with where I am but there’s always room for improvement and that should be my goal, improvement.

Spring Break 2014

Recently got home from college for spring break, I must admit, the first two days back have been freeing. I had no cares in the world, I relaxed, played games, ate food, it was great. Unfortunately, that nagging feeling of “I need to do something with my life” eventually hit me and by eventually I mean a couple hours ago. I started applying to internships again like a maniac and even came across a few that I forwarded to the boyfriend. These spurts of productivity, I don’t know where they come from.

Unfortunately, I since my regular routine has been broken, so has my gym routine. I really need to figure out a way to maintain a workout routine once my regular schedule changes. The thing is, even though my school life is hectic and every day is different, I usually carry my workout stuff in my backpack and am ready to go at any time. Once I realize I have an hour to kill, I can just walk over to the gym in 10 minutes from wherever I am. At home though, I start in bed, I get food, get back in bed, maybe move to the desk, probably move back to bed, sometimes I don’t even change into real clothes until the day is half way through. I feel like when I’m busy, I get more done, when I’m busy, I feel like I don’t have the time to sit around and do nothing but when I’m at home and have no impending deadlines, I feel so lazy. So much to do, so little motivation.

Things to Do, Places to Be

It has been a long while since I last posted on here, what can I say, it’s been a whirlwind of activity for me. It all started with career fairs and that fear that I was going to be the only one without an internship this coming summer. When I first went to the career fairs, I didn’t think any companies would be interested in me but a couple of them were. I managed to get a few interviews that I’m still going to but I’ve already gotten rejection letter from many companies. The rejection letters used to hurt but sadly I’ve gotten so many of them by now that they’re what I’ve come to expect. Oh well, I just have to roll with the punches until I get to the top one day because I have no doubt that I will, it’s just going to take a while. When people are faced with rejection, sometimes from multiple companies at the same time, it can sour anyone’s mood. Some people compensate by eating more or playing games to try and forget that feeling which I think is fine for a little bit. It always takes some time to get back on your feet but get back on your feet you must. Thick skin +5

Right now, I’m not good enough for them, I don’t have enough of this I don’t have the skills for that, I simply “wasn’t a good match”, whatever the reason, someone else was better suited than I was. Or maybe they aren’t actually better suited but they seemed like they were. I want to know what makes them better than me, what do they have that I don’t? Other people ask that question rhetorically and with bitterness but I ask it with curiosity. What do they have that I don’t and how can I get it? If a company doesn’t think I’m good enough right now then that’s fine, I’ll become more than good enough and I’ll get there one day. I’ve applied to so many places, both online and in person, that and the fact that midterms were also the last two weeks didn’t give me a lot of free time. Also I came down with a cold which is annoying to say the least.

Unfortunately, my health and fitness goals suffered a bit from these last few hectic weeks. I haven’t gone to gym nearly as much as I used to, even when I had the time, I was sleepy. I don’t remember what not being sleepy feels like. I’ve also been grabbing what I can to eat without really thinking about when, what, or how often. I honestly couldn’t tell you if I ate less or more because I don’t even remember. I’ve had more free time starting this week so I’m getting back into the habit of going to the gym everyday. I followed Blogilates on Facebook so I’ve been seeing her posts everyday which actually helped motivate me to get back into it even though my nose is still runny and I’m still coughing a bit. Health -10

I’ve never used the stair machine (step machine/stair master/whatever it’s called) before but I wanted to try it since she posted an interval workout for it. I Googled a bit about it and the internet that never lies said that it was a really good workout for the legs and glutes which I’ve been trying to work on. Let me tell you, walking up stairs sounds easy but it’s get’s really hard after just 15 minutes. Maybe I’m just out of shape. I can only go for 15 minutes at level 7 (don’t laugh at me) before I have to get off, my goal is to go for half an hour at level 10. I’ll up my goal once I reach it but for now it’ll be that. I also ran a mile after that which was much more difficult to do than usual, I’m not sure if it was because I hadn’t run in a while, I had already done 15 minutes of leg/butt, or both. The step machine thing is definitely going to be part of my workout routine now. I just need to add something to tone up my arms, I need to work up the confidence to go to the weights area of the gym, the “guy section.” One day, one day, until then I shall do Pilates.

The little things

It’s been a while since I posted, I just had two snow days and I tried to be productive but I instead I just relaxed and did fun stuff which was nice. It felt good to have a day or two to completely forget about everything, I mean, now it’s sort of come back to bite me but it was nice at the time. That’s the thing with procrastination, it feels good at the time and you only learn to regret it later. I wonder if there’s something immature about procrastinating, I wonder if you procrastinate less as you get older because you can see the future consequences of your actions today. Or maybe it has to do with will power, you know you’ll regret it if you don’t study today and you know you should study today but there’s just no will power there. When a deadline is far away, I tend to not care about it when I have free time right now, I simply do not care. Sometimes, I don’t care about anything, I don’t care that school is getting more difficult, I don’t care that I have a lot of things to do, I ignore all of that and play games or read books. I’m not sure if that’s called “relaxing” or “in denial”, there’s a fine line between the two.

It helps me to use Google Calendar, that way I can schedule in my work times and my play times. I would say something like this to myself, “Ok, I’ll do differential equations for an hour and then I’ll play Pokemon for 10 minutes.” It helps me to add a fun thing at after a not fun thing so that I can be motivated to finish faster. I also find that this strategy helps me to avoid the study cram sessions that go all day and lead into an all nighter the day before an exam. I’ve also heard of people putting candies at various places on the page as they’re reading a textbook so that they get little rewards along the way, I would try that but I get all my textbooks used and who knows what’s in there.

I think this is a good mentality to go through life with because ultimately, you shouldn’t live your life at a sprint desperately trying to finish one thing after another. Elementary school, then middle school, then high school, then college, then a job, maybe a family, then that promotion, then another promotion, then grandkids, then you’re old, and then you die. I mean yes, you probably accomplished a lot and I’m sure people are benefiting from your work (maybe) but if you didn’t enjoy yourself and love life as you were living then what was the point? It’s the little things in life that make life worth living, I think people should take a moment to appreciate and be grateful everyday, maybe try something new everyday too. Life can be fun sometimes.