Lost

Moving to California has been great, the weather’s wonderful and I’ve had great times with my boyfriend but something just seems missing. I don’t want to appear ungrateful because it’s a blessing that I’m here and I really do appreciate everything that I have. But it all just seems so empty sometimes. I’m not one to brag about where I am on social media so few people actually know where I am and I’ve always been shy so I don’t have many friends. I really only have one close friend I talk to almost every day and then my boyfriend if he counts. I guess I just feel lonely out here, everyone older than me is so busy doing the “next big thing” that nobody is really living in the moment. That and everyone my age just wants to go to bars, clubs, or party all night in LA and that’s not really my thing.

I’m really introverted and talking to people for two hours makes me tired the rest of the day. Luckily I did end up picking a profession (software development) that doesn’t require I talk a lot in the day. But even though I enjoy being alone most of the time, if I’m alone all the time I get lonely. I guess it’s not really the being alone part that makes me feel lonely, it’s the feeling like I can’t/won’t open up to people so I feel like I don’t have close friends. It makes it worse when moving to a new place and especially worser(er) when my boyfriend leaves on a trip. Nothing makes you feel more like a loser than not having anyone to talk to.

Normally when I have a problem I try to find a solution so I’ve tried going to meetups but the only ones that interest me are business meetups (been feeling entrepreneurial) and people are really only there to pitch their ideas then ditch. Bumble has a thing called BFF mode where people in the area that are seeking friends can swipe on each other Tinder style, we’ll see how that goes for me.

I think it’s that “not having friends anymore” feeling and the “how do I start a business” feeling that has me feeling so lost. The friends thing I’m sure I’ll get the hang of in a while but the business thing I just don’t know. I’ll make another post on it later but there’s just so much to learn and even if you learn it all it doesn’t mean you’ll succeed.

Coding with Friends

I’ve been working on my CS project, recreating the classic MineSweeper, for class and I’m almost done. Technically, it works which is very exciting but I’m still missing some of the testing that needs to be done. The thing about coding is that it is extremely frustrating but quite rewarding when you finally finish something. There’s a certain elation that cannot be compared to any other when you see a completely green bar upon submission accompanied by an immediately gratifying “100% Problem Coverage.” Many times I want to give up on the testing and just take the score I have but for some reason I keep coming back to it to try and get that 5% I’m missing.

I’ve also met a bunch of people along the way, computer science majors have the stereotype of being nerdy and socially awkward but they really aren’t. Often, many of us would be in office hours trying to get help for the same project but there’s usually only one TA for a bunch of us. While we’re waiting in line for the TA, everyone tends to talk to the person near them and try to help each other out since each is respectively stuck on their own code. Sometimes someone will leave the line because someone else has helped them figure out their code. It’s a great way to meet your peers because everyone is equally frustrated, that’s how I met my boyfriend.

Aside from spending my “free time” trying to write this program, I’ve mostly kept up with my regular runs at the gym (I skipped two days because I was busy) and I went to a career fair. It’s always intimidating when I go up to people and introduce myself because then I have to talk about myself and why “I’m qualified and a good fit for the internship.” I need to improve my confidence, communication ability, and just find out a way to decrease my overall awkwardness. Oh life. New goal: Improve?

Outcast

First week of school: Complete

I managed to go to the gym every day and run, I’m trying to go for two miles every day but I’m varying the speed. One mile per hour increase makes a huge difference, I find that I’m able to run at 5 mph for a while, basically until I get bored but if I increase that to 6 mph, then I can only go about 10 minutes before having to slow back down to 5 mph. Sometimes, when I hit that point at 6 mph and I feel like I can’t go on anymore, I turn up the volume on my music, increase the speed to 7 mph, and try to maintain that for as long as possible. At this point, it’s about a minute. I think it’s helpful to have a workout buddy because they can push you further. Yesterday, I happened to go to the gym the same time that my boyfriend was going so when he was done he came over to visit me in the treadmill section. I was going at 5 mph at the time because I just slowed down from 6 mph and he decided to increase the speed. He wanted to leave and get lunch with my but I wanted to stay until I at least hit 1.5 miles so he increased my speed so we could leave earlier, I think he also enjoyed seeing me struggle. It was motivating because he was saying things like “You got this, you can do it, it’s only a little bit more, you can last a little longer” which I needed because at the end I was running at 8 mph since he kept increasing it so much. If I was by myself, I definitely wouldn’t have pushed myself that hard.

I find it awkward to do Pilates at the gym so I think what I’m going to do is just run at the gym since I’m unwilling to do that outdoors and then do Pilates when I get back home. Surprisingly enough, my boyfriend liked one of the Pilates for the lower back videos so much that’s he’s incorporated the moves into his workout routine, success! After working out and classes yesterday, we both went to a mini-hackathon sponsored by Google on campus. It’s basically a competition where you present an idea you have for a mobile app and then if you win, you continue in the competition and get to actually develop your idea. He’s a computer science major and I’m taking a few CS classes to complement my (if everything works out) ISE degree so it interested us both. Even though we didn’t win, I thought it was a fun experience and now I have some ideas that I would love to try and program.

People find it odd sometimes that I’m a female studying engineering, interested in computer science, enjoy playing video games, is a part of social clubs, and also go to the gym and try to look attractive. I’m a combination of things that don’t normally go together which makes me feel really out of place since I’ve never met anyone else with similar descriptions except my boyfriend. He’s also studying engineering, specifically computer science, loves video games, in the same social clubs I’m in, and also goes to the gym and tries to look good. At the end of class when I’m saying bye to my new friends we usually end the conversation with a “So where are you headed to?” type of question and sometimes I would say I’m going to the gym and they would give me this confused look. As in it’s weird enough that I’m a female in a class that’s at least 70% male but I’m also going to the gym, say what?

It’s hard for most people to relate to me and I find it hard to connect with a lot of people which is why I have lots of acquaintances but not very many close friends. They say that once you go to college you can be yourself and you’ll find a group of people with similar values but thus far, I haven’t found very many people like me. On the surface, it looks like I have plenty of friends because people know me by name and I know other people by name but outside of class and clubs, I don’t hang out with anyone on a regular basis except my boyfriend. I also find it difficult to be with the same people for more than two or three hours, I can be perfectly friendly and they’ll never know I’m getting tired of them but after a few hours, all I really want to do is be alone.

I enjoy being alone, I find it peaceful and relaxing, and I don’t have to make meaningless small talk with people. My roommate is the opposite, she loves talking to people about random stuff, when my door is closed and locked and I just want to be by myself she’ll knock and talk through the door which makes me feel obligated to open it. She’s a nice person and whatever I’m doing she wants to be a part of, even if I’m doing homework for a class she hasn’t taken, she wants to look at the problems and try to help me. I mean, it’s really nice of her, but I have my door closed and locked for a reason. It just drains me to have to talk to people sometimes, the only time that doesn’t apply is when I’m with my boyfriend. The way I work is confusing, I don’t really understand myself.

 

Running Route Accomplished

I seem to be waking up regularly at around 10:00 am now, regardless of when I sleep … strange. I’m not complaining though, seems like a good time to be awake. Unless I’ve been thinking about it the night before, I find that when I wake up I just walk around in a daze for a good hour trying to figure out what to do today. There’s just something about living by myself that prevents me from having the motivation to actually change out of my pajamas into real clothes. I also end up dawdling for so long that my breakfast kind of just turns into a brunch type deal.

Remember that run I was talking about where I didn’t know if that street would circle around? Well, my boyfriend has lived in this area for a while and he told me that that street will indeed circle around to my place. So I tested it yesterday, it’s true, it does, I have found my new running route. My mom always said to never run in the same route at the same time every day because then creepy creepers can watch you and follow you and then kidnap you and do bad things. I figure this route is safe though since I run in the day time and it’s always by a street with lots of cars and houses. I see people running and tending their gardens so even if something did happen I could scream like a crazy banshee and hopefully someone will help me. Right? Or maybe they’ll just watch me and assume that someone else will step in, that darn bystander effect.

It took me about 20 minutes to run/walk the loop and most of it is flat but there’s this part where there’s this insanely steep incline that feels like it goes on forever. It’s stop and go for me at that part. I don’t know if it’s just me but when there are people around, I feel the need to keep running and I can’t let them see me stop running or else. I don’t know what I think will happen with the “or else” because I know nothing would happen but I still feel that need to never let them see me stop running. It applies with cars too. Weirdest motivation ever but what works works. I can’t do it all the time though, sometimes a car appears at the turn right when I stop running and I just sigh inwardly with shame. I then avert my gaze. I don’t know why I do it, they probably don’t even see me and if they did they wouldn’t care but I do. For some gosh darn reason, I care.

When I get back home, I did a beginners ab workout that didn’t really feel like beginner level but hey, I tried. You can try it too, it’s only 15 minutes I think. Clicky me. It’s my favorite trainer, Cassey Ho from Blogilates, but she’s doing it on a different channel. What I’m trying to do is run every day and then follow that with working out a single body part. My boyfriend says not to do the same body part every day but I really want to build my butt so I’m doing alternating between a butt workout and an upper body workout each day. I figure running works out my lower body, legs, thighs, calves and such so I’m not focusing as much on them in the Pilates work outs. I hope I’m right.

I also cooked my own meal from scratch yesterday, I posted about every minute unimportant detail because I was so proud. It’s something only my own mother would enjoy reading. What does that phrase even mean? “From scratch”? It’s not like I picked the rice myself or killed my own chicken but I had to cook the rice and chicken. There’s no other way to do it though. You can’t really buy already cooked chicken and already cooked rice and just drop them into a plate. Another thing, when a kid says that their mother made these cookies from scratch, is there a difference between that weird box mix and getting flour, sugar, eggs and the whole shebang?

Speaking of cooking, I have this thing where I have to wash the dishes as soon as possible. My family has access to a dish washer but I have never in my life ever seen it used except to store more dishes. I don’t even know how to use a dish washer. My roommate and my boyfriend were surprised at me because apparently they use their dish washers, my parents say it wastes money though so I still don’t use it. I feel like if I leave them sitting there too long, the food on them dries up and get’s harder to clean off so right after I’m done with them, I rinse them, soap them, rinse them again and then put them in the drying rack. My roommate is different though, she’ll leave dishes in the sink until she needs them again and then she’ll scrub and scrub and scrub until the days old food mostly comes off and then she’ll use it and throw it back in again. I hope she doesn’t read this, that would be awkward. I mean, I’ve nagged her about it before but she just calls me a neat freak which maybe I am.

I came to the realization the other day that professional women all wear makeup and I don’t. There are those people that are all “natural beauty” and “you’re beautiful without makeup” but let’s face it, as beautiful as you are, you’re not perfect and makeup helps to make you a little more perfect. Of course perfect is subjective but I’m talking social norms here. For me, it’s the same idea as fitness. I’m okay with my body, really I am, but it could always be better so I’m gonna go for it. I’m okay with my face, really I am, but it could always be better so I’m gonna draw on it. I’m not hiding behind my makeup, I’m highlighting my features. Point is, I want to be a classy professional woman so I’m going to start learning how to use makeup and more importantly, how to remove makeup in the fastest most efficient way possible. By efficient I mean I’m lazy and don’t want to use a lot of effort. Problem is, there are tons of styles and products out there. I had gone makeup shopping before and I didn’t know what 60% of the stuff there was for, there aren’t even directions. My current knowledge of usage consists of mascara and eyeliner and I’m not even sure I’m doing those right. Woe is me. New life goal: Learn makeups.

A friend of mine applied for a scholarship and it was one of those ones where they could be entered multiple times if their friends sponsored them by clicking a link. The thing is, once I clicked the link and sponsored her, the website gave me a link to apple to the same scholarship. All I had to do was click and put in my name and stuff, so I did. If the first few people that heard about it didn’t sent it to all their friends and their friends didn’t send it to all their friends then I think the first few people would have a better chance at winning this lottery scholarship thing. Besides, there’s no guarantee that your friend will sponsor you, they might just apply for it themselves without sponsoring you. The world sucks like that.